


that’s my heart that you were breaking

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakups, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:44:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2147769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or alternatively titled '10 ways to get over the boy you're in love with'</p><p>--</p><p>harry breaks up with niall. niall doesn't really know much else that isn't being in love with harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Watch shitty rom-coms on the couch with your best friend and cry about how none of it is true.

**Author's Note:**

> i kind of wrote this cuz i love listicles and this is the list 
> 
> \--
> 
> 1\. Watch shitty rom-coms on the couch with your best friend and cry about how none of it is true.  
> 2\. Go on any social media and delete all evidence he exists, block him out of your life  
> 3\. Get stinking drunk and call him, tell him how much you love him. Cry about it in the morning.  
> 4\. Start drawing again.  
> 5\. Write him a letter then burn it.  
> 6\. Let your friends set you up on a blind date, when you happen to see him at the restaurant reach over and kiss your date. When he's walking you to your car that night exchange numbers, you might not call him but it's good to have the option.  
> 7\. Go back home for a week, find solace in your mother, your father, and your family.  
> 8\. See him with his new one and feel like you're dying, stay in bed all day. Think about how good he used to feel.  
> 9\. Invite him out for coffee. Kiss him on the cheek when it's over; try not to look like you're dying.  
> 10\. Call that guy you went on a date with. Go on a second one.  
> \--
> 
> title from grins by charli xcx

Niall’s been with Harry since he was twenty and a sophomore in college and he thought that a five year relationship where Niall gave Harry every single part of him warranted a proposal not a break-up, not an “i’m sorry but i think i’ve been missing out’. Niall hadn’t known that he was holding Harry back from whatever it was that made him breakup with Niall but he had been.

Harry left the restaurant, the Thai one that he and Niall loved, and Niall sat there for a good two hours not crying or anything just sitting there. The restaurant had gradually gone empty and Niall was trying to blink back tears, trying to tell himself that he was okay. That this was not a permanent thing.

Niall stared at the promise ring on his finger and that was when everything seemed to catch up to him. That Harry had broken up with him, that Harry had probably never loved him. That Harry didn’t care that Niall was prepared to drop everything and be with him, it didn’t matter. Niall let out a watery high pitched sob, then slapped his hand over his mouth but the floodgate had broken and he couldn’t stop it.

He was blubbering like a fool, sitting in those fancy leather chairs in his fancy fucking suit that Harry loved. His hands were shaking with the force that he was crying and he was so glad that the restaurant was empty, that he had another ten minutes before they kicked him out.

He tried to figure out where he’d gone wrong, when it all had turned sour maybe it was when Niall started talking about living together and maybe just maybe that was a warning sign in itself. His boyfriend didn’t want to live with him after five years together, after Harry himself had slipped a promise ring on his finger.

Maybe Harry was trying to tie Niall over to soften the blow of the breakup but oh god Niall didn’t think he could breathe, he was gasping and clenching his fingers around his spoon but god he couldn’t breathe.

“Sir, are you alright?” The hostess asked him apparently witnessing his major meltdown right fucking there. Niall wanted to say ‘no the man i was in love with just dumped me over a bowl of teriyaki chicken and you’re asking me if i’m alright” but all he said was,

“Yeah I’m fine.” And then he was stumbling out of the chair, taking everything and rushing out of there quick. Harry had already paid for them anyway. Niall felt stupid, had gushed to Liam the whole night through that Harry might propose to him. Everything had gone to shit quicker than he could say ‘break up.’ Niall ended up kicking his shoes off, sliding into the backseat of his car (this car held all his dirty secrets, this car had seen Niall fumble through his first blowjob, his first high school boyfriend, his first fight with Harry, his first ‘i love you’ with Harry) and he fell asleep crying. He knew there was no way he was going to be able to drive home in the state he was in and he didn’t have to work tomorrow anyway considering it was a Saturday.

The backseat of his car smelled like Harry and he couldn’t stop thinking about the amount of times they’d fucked in there, in this crammed space with not even a sliver of breath in between them with Harry’s large hands framing his hips. He wiped the tears away but they kept coming. He eventually gave up. He must’ve looked a mess but honestly it didn’t even matter anymore.

\--

The next morning Niall studied himself in his rearview mirror, his face was blotchy and his hair was a mess and he had bloodshot eyes like he’d been drinking all night. Even though he hadn’t. He slid into the front seat and drove to his shared apartment with his best friend Liam. Before he got out of the car he slid the promise ring off his finger, studied it for a minute then slid it into his glove compartment.

He didn’t want it on him but at the same time he didn’t want to throw it away. Not yet at least. Who the hell was he kidding he probably was never going to throw it away; he probably was going to look at it and cry every time. He thought about texting Harry ‘good morning, love’ like he did every single morning but things were different now. It was odd how quickly things changed, how one minute changed what seemed like a lifetime.

Five years. It was five years that Niall could never get back and Harry with his beautiful green eyes and that way he talked that made Niall fall in love with him didn’t care at all. Harry Styles was a charmer and Niall had fallen under the spell, had loved being the one that Harry allowed himself to be vulnerable around, had loved being the first thing Harry thought about in the morning and the last thing on his mind at night. Niall didn’t want to think of someone else taking that from him, Niall wondered if Harry had another.

Then he couldn’t think anymore because if he kept doing that to himself then… then he would never stop. He’d just be stuck thinking about why and what ifs when it was obvious that Harry had stopped wantingneedingloving him anymore that Niall’s feelings meant jack shit.

He needed to stop thinking. He pushed the door open, stumbled out of his car, and stumbled up the stairs barefoot and tearful. Shaky hands opened the apartment door where he found Liam in pajamas watching the early morning news because he was Liam and eating Lucky Charms.

“Heyo, Nia- what happened?” Liam was up immediately when he saw the look on Niall’s face, his cereal forgotten about on the coffee table.

“I don’t want to talk about.” Niall croaked sniffling and Liam stared,

“What did Harry do?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Niall-,”

“I’m not joking, Liam. Harry did absolutely nothing.”

“Ni-,”

“He broke up with me! Is that what you wanted to fucking hear? Well there ya go okay! Harry thought I was holding him back, he didn’t want me anymore! Could care less about what I’m doing anymore. Are you fucking happy?” Niall was prepared to make a dramatic exit into his room and stay there all fucking day but before he could push past Liam, Liam was grabbing him and wrapping his arms around Niall ‘shushing’ him. Niall didn’t really understand why Liam was shushing him till he realized he was crying it was a thing he did now.

“I’m so so sorry, Nialler. Fuck. I’m sorry.” Niall didn’t want Liam to apologize over something he had no power whatsoever over but at the same time he was glad Liam didn’t say ‘it’s going to be okay’ because it wasn’t going to be okay anytime soon and they both knew that.

“Okay this is what we’re going to do, you’re going to go take a shower then we’re going to watch romantic comedies okay and gush over the brilliance that is Kat Stratford because we’re gay and you’re heartbroken and I love you and I want you to feel better. I’ll go make some popcorn, okay?” Liam was talking softly but the tone in his voice left no room for argument so Niall nodded and Liam smiled nudging him over to the bathroom.

Niall should have known that Liam would never let him sit alone in his bedroom and mope and honestly he was kind of glad for that, glad that he couldn’t sit in his room by himself with everything smelling of Harry and looking like Harry. Half of Niall’s clothes _were_ Harry’s.  

Showers always seemed to calm him down, while people usually did most of their thinking in the shower all his thoughts kind of just silenced when he was in the shower. All he could focus on was the shower head and how good the water felt, nothing more and nothing less. Liam Payne was a tactile bastard.

Niall finally got out of the shower and absolutely avoided looking at himself in the mirror. He dressed in sweatpants and a white t-shirt (and they both were for him but he could smell Harry’s cologne and citrus shampoo because Harry loved wearing his clothes just as much as Niall loved wearing his) and found Liam going through the movies on their Netflix. He smiled when he saw Niall,

“Okay what’s first Ten Things I Hate About You, Mean Girls, Bridesmaids, Remember Me, or Space Jam?”

“One of these things is not like the others.” Niall couldn’t help himself and Liam snorted out a laugh. “Alright pop in some Kat Stratford will ya?”

Niall couldn’t help it when he cried through every single movie (even Space Jam) and he couldn’t stop thinking about how him and Harry had movie date nights every Saturday night and how much Harry loved Remember Me and how when the sad parts came on he could just bury his face into Harry’s chest, breathe him in and feel the safest he’d ever felt in a while. He thought about how Harry never cared how much he cried and how he always let Niall steal all the blankets and how he didn’t care about if Niall always had cold feet, he’d intertwine their legs anyway.

Liam let him cry too but it wasn’t the same, Liam wasn’t Harry and Niall just wanted Harry. It was weird how the person who’d made him feel so strong had him feeling so weak, he guessed that was how life worked. You gave someone enough power to ruin you and they did, maybe unintentionally or maybe intentionally but they did it anyway. Because they can. Because that was how it worked.


	2. Go on any social media and delete all evidence he exists, block him out of your life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was never Niall’s intention to be ‘that guy’ but it also wasn’t his intention to fall in love with someone who’d wreck him like this, leave him out dying and broken with no chance of coming back for him and calling it a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretty short

It had been a week since the breakup, a week of pitying looks from Liam and his boyfriend Zayn when they thought Niall wasn’t looking, a week of almost texting Harry ‘come over’ but then remembering that hey he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. That was the hardest for Niall going from being taken all the time to being alone. It was the longest him and Harry had gone without speaking because their fights were very weak and very short-lived because they loved each other too much (or so Niall thought) to ever fight that much.

Anyways Niall’s phone kept chiming every time Harry posted a tweet, an instagram picture, or anything social media related. They’d done that when they were together hook up their settings so that they knew when the other posted something. Niall didn’t really know why they did it but it was always funny but now it just hurt. A lot.

Cause Harry’s tweets didn’t signify that he’d been through a breakup at all, he still took pictures of his best friend Louis doing horribly silly things and he still tweeted about what Cara had been up to and he still posted Snapchat stories of his (their) cat Molly being the lazy kitty she was. And the thing that broke Niall was he didn’t even sound upset.

He sounded so freakin’ happy while Niall was over here trying his hardest not to fling his phone across the room or chuck it out the window. It was never Niall’s intention to be ‘that guy’ but it also wasn’t his intention to fall in love with someone who’d wreck him like this, leave him out dying and broken with no chance of coming back for him and calling it a joke.

“Ni, you okay? You been glaring at your phone forever.” He was on a lunch date with Liam and Zayn meaning he was technically being a third wheel but of course Liam and Zayn did the whole, ‘oh my god, niall you don’t bother us at all’ thing and invited Niall along.

He always felt a little guilty because he knew Zayn and Liam were trying to help but maybe if Niall didn’t act so helpless all the time and cry every single night they wouldn’t feel the need to. They didn’t say it but Niall felt it. And Niall sure as hell didn’t want to be what tore them apart so he always tried to do better for Liam and for Zayn.

“I’m fine.” Niall said just as his phone lit up showing that Harry had tweeted something.

“You still track his tweets?” Liam asked and Niall’s eyes snapped up to him quickly. Zayn hit Liam on the arm.

“I just didn’t think he’d be so active after what happened you know? I kind of feel like he’s mocking me.” Niall said all this while staring hard at his plate and pushing his fries around.

“Why don’t you delete him?” Zayn asked and Niall blinked.

“What do you mean?”

“Block and delete him off everything. Here I’ll do it for you.” Before he could protest Zayn was grabbing his phone. Niall watched as he fiddled around with it for a bit then he handed it back. “Done and done.” Niall was prepared to say something but Zayn just reached over and put his hand on Niall’s, “breakups are hard but you shouldn’t let them kill you, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Niall said biting his lip feeling extremely fucking grateful to have someone like Liam and in turn Zayn (because if you got one then you got the other) and maybe they made him sad sometimes because they’d been fucking high school sweethearts and still going strong but they loved him and he loved them back and they would not leave him.

And Niall needed that. People who weren’t just going to up and leave him hanging high and dry like he’d never meant a damn fucking thing.

Niall’s phone didn’t chime with a notification from Harry that whole week. Niall felt like he could breathe again.

 


	3. Get stinking drunk and call him, tell him how much you love him. Cry about it in the morning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because the past two weeks Niall had been feeling like Harry was so out of reach but there he was just a drunk phone call away and Niall felt like they were existing together, felt like Harry and his shaky breath was right there next to him.

They’d been broken up for two weeks now and Niall wasn’t doing much better. He didn’t sleep in his room much and since Liam was almost always at Zayn’s he camped out in Liam’s room and slept there, it was better. And plus the crying had stopped now; he didn’t feel like porcelain anymore.

“We’re going out tonight!” Liam said barging into their apartment. Niall pouted,

“But I made curry.”

“Curry can wait. How long has it been since you went out and had proper fun, Nialler?”

Niall thought about it, Harry liked clubs but he’d been so busy with his new accounting job and they barely had time to do anything together that wasn’t movie nights and dinner till well till the breakup. “I don’t know.” Niall finally said sheepishly and Liam clapped.

“Well get dressed cause me, you, Zaynie, and Perrie are going out.”

“Do I have to come?” It wasn’t that Niall was opposed to the idea of going out with his friends (he loved partying it was his thing) he just didn’t feel like he could have fun while feeling like this and he was not down with having his friends babysit him all night because all he could think about was Harry this and Harry that. He was so pathetic but he couldn’t help it.

“Yes! Niall, remember college? You were the life of the party!” Liam was right Niall was the life of the party back in college, he was beer pong champ and body shots were his specialty. Now he’d gone and bloody fallen in love and ruined everything, he felt like a proper dolt.

“Okay fine.” Niall grumbled turning off the stove and making his way towards the shower. After the shower Niall stood in front of his dresser wondering what the hell he was going to wear. He wanted to look good but he didn’t want to look like he was trying too hard but he also didn’t want to dress like college Niall used to dress.

He was so fucking frustrated. Maybe this was a bad idea, Niall thought maybe he should’ve made an excuse and stayed home to read or something like that or maybe he’d just have a movie marathon by himself on the couch. He couldn’t do this, not when the memory of Harry breaking up with him was so fresh and not when he missed him so much that his insides felt like they were going to crawl right out of him with every passing moment that Harry wasn’t around.

He grumbled halfheartedly to himself then picked a white band tee and skinny jeans because honestly what else was he going to wear. He tried to make his hair looked presentable but when that didn’t work he ended up calling Liam who actually made him look halfway good.

“I’m an artist really.” Liam said and Niall could not argue. Apparently Zayn had already agreed to be designated driver so they waited outside for him, Liam typing away on his phone and Niall smoking a Marlboro. It wasn’t something he did often but he felt stressed and he felt like his skin was stretched too tight and he was going to break any minute now so he supposed he had an excuse.

“Niall, calm down.” Liam suddenly said pressing his hands to Niall’s shoulders. Niall hadn’t realized his hands had been shaking around the cigarette till Liam snapped him out of his half trance. Niall dropped the cigarette and snuffed it out with the heal of his Doc Martens.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“No need to apologize, love. Was just worried is all.” Because everybody was always so worried about him. Niall was sure that if one more person made him feel like he was just a child again he was going to snap.

Zayn eventually pulled up with Perrie in the backseat shouting, “Oh my gosh, Niall! I’ve missed you!” Perrie was Niall’s partying buddy back in college and one of the best girls Niall had ever met in his life. He was pretty sure that if he wasn’t all for dick (Harry’s) Perrie would be his first choice.

“I have missed you so much!” Perrie said latching on to him as Zayn sped off.

“Same.” Niall said even though he never bothered to call. He was sure that Perrie had gotten news of the breakup by now and knowing Perrie she was probably the one who suggested the whole going out thing.

Lunar was packed by the time they got there and Perrie immediately slipped her hands in his pulling him inside.

“I’m thinking drinks!” She shouted over the Charli XCX song playing and Niall couldn’t help but to nod, he needed to be at least a little tipsy to get through the night.

“Let’s do it!”

Perrie dragged him over to the bar where overexcited club goers were shouting drinks at the bartenders. Perrie pushed her way past guys and girls alike until she was right in front of the male bartender who looked like he needed a drink himself.

“Let’s have a Sex On The Beach!” She shouted at the bartender who got to work quickly. Niall downed his drink quickly and she did too. One drink became three and three became six and then Niall well when Niall got drunk… he got drunk.

“Perrie, dance with me!” He screamed in her ear but she didn’t seem to mind probably drunk herself. This time he was the one doing the dragging and they both found themselves on the dance floor dancing to a too loud and too remixed pop song but Niall didn’t care. It felt good dancing with his best friend and letting shit go, not worrying about anything but the now.

It was going good great actually until he opened his eyes and got a glimpse of brown hair that looked curled exactly like Harry’s and it was only till the boy turned around that Niall realized that okay it wasn’t Harry but the damage had been done. The high that Niall was on had dissipated so quick so he told Perrie he’d be right back and then he found himself stumbling into the bathroom and locking the door behind him.

He felt like he was choking as he pulled his phone out of his pockets, everything blurred around the edges and sharp. He typed out a text to Harry couldn’t remember what he said and then there was another one. And then he called him. Harry picked up.

“Niall?”

“Harry.” Niall breathed. He didn’t know what to say.

“Niall, are you alright?”

Niall let out a watery laugh, “not really? I mean I think I’m drunk but you know I wanted to call you. Cuz I miss your stupid voice and your stupid face and I love you, okay? I love you so so much. I don’t know what I did that made you not want me anymore but I’ll change if that’s what you want. I love you, Harry. I love you and I miss you and god everything smells like you. You smell like citrus. You smell like safety and home.”

“Niall, darling you should hang up.” Harry finally said and Niall couldn’t help the soft sob that lunged out of him unexpected,

“Are you with somebody else? Am I not good enough?”

“Niall, don’t. Put the phone down.”

“I can’t.”

“Where are you?”

“Harry, I love you so much but I don’t know why you did this to me. I did nothing but love you for five fucking years. We fit so nicely.”

“Niall, tell me where you are.”

“Tell me you love me too. Tell me the five years we spent together meant something.”

“Niall-,”

“Harry please. Oh god, Harry please.”

“I love you, Niall. I do, you’re my first love you know that but…”

“But you could’ve been so much better without me?”

“Niall.”

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t date me either.”

“Niall, please.” Harry sounded like he was crying and Niall didn’t know what he was pleading for so he stopped talking but he didn’t hang up. Because the past two weeks Niall had been feeling like Harry was so out of reach but there he was just a drunk phone call away and Niall felt like they were existing together, felt like Harry and his shaky breath was right there next to him.

“Sorry I called.” Niall finally said even though he wasn’t.

“No you’re not.” Harry said softly.

“Goodbye, Harry.”

“Goodbye, Niall.” And then Harry hung up. Niall stared at his phone. He realized the picture he used as Harry’s contact was still of them, together. Niall was pressing his lips to Harry’s cheeks and Harry was beaming at the camera like there was no other place they belonged but there. Niall turned around and threw up everything in the toilet.

\--

The next morning Niall woke up to the worst hangover he’d experienced since well college. He groaned and licked his lips but his mouth was so dry. It wasn’t until he’d showered and he was sitting eating cereal that he decided to check his phone and it was then he saw the drunken texts and the fifteen minute phone call between Harry and himself. He abandoned his cereal, crawled under the sheets, and cried till there was nothing else he could do. 


	4. Start drawing again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like yeah okay Niall fucking loved him Niall was in love with him and there was a point in Niall’s life where he was pretty sure there would never be life after Harry but here he was alive without Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had this chapter pre-written for 2 months and never posted it. school has been killing me lately but hopefully i won't take months to update again, thanks to those who haven't jumped ship on this fic yet lol.

Niall was rifling through his bedroom, trying to take everything that reminded him of Harry out of it because it’d been a week since the drunken phone call and Niall was so fucking sick and tired of Harry taking over every part of him. Like yeah okay Niall fucking loved him Niall was in love with him and there was a point in Niall’s life where he was pretty sure there would never be life after Harry but here he was alive without Harry.

So he’d stripped the sheets off and sent Liam off to the Laundromat because he was going to start sleeping in his own bed again, because he was going to stop avoiding the big fat elephant in the room. Sure, everything still hurt but he knew it was only hurting him this much because he was letting it. So there he was sitting cross legged on his bed, cardboard box next to him and some of Harry’s things in it.

He pulled a shoebox out from under his bed and was shocked when his hand came across a drawing pad. His drawing pad. He flipped it open to be met with dozens of doodles and pictures that Niall had drawn around college, some of it was Harry and some of it was Liam or Zayn or Perrie. It was everything from a random girl walking across the quad to Harry smiling up at him.

Niall remembered how drawing had been his thing, how he’d loved it back then but then his dad had told him to stop wasting his time to get a real major. So he did and he put down the drawing pad and never found inspiration again. But there it was his inspiration.

The pictures of Harry hurt but Niall loved them because they were real because it was around the time when he had first started to fall in love with Harry when it was them against the world. And he wanted to get that back, not the Harry part (well the Harry part too) but the drawing part. The part where he’d hide out in his dorm trying to find the perfect color for whatever he was drawing.

\--

The next day he went out and he bought a drawing pad, a couple of cheap pencils and colored pencils but it was enough, and then he hid out in his room. He curled his legs under him and it was like all the suppressed years had come back to him because before he knew it he was drawing, hands moving in frenzy as he hummed to himself.

He’d drawn Harry. He’d drawn Harry when Harry had broken up with him because it was the only thing that he’d been able to fully memorize the past few weeks, Harry in his suit, Harry with his perfectly coifed hair and his cupid’s bow and his heartbreakingly green eyes. He’d drawn Harry and it wasn’t killing him. And it was like now that he’d drawn something he couldn’t stop because he was drawing more, some of it was more Harry but then some of it was Liam and Zayn sitting on the couch or how Perrie had looked the way they went to the club.

He drew himself. And then he drove all the way to Roundabout Café, sat with his mocha and his drawing pad and drew everything. It was the most accomplished he’d felt in a long time.


	5. Write him a letter then burn it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean I don’t really know yet but at least there was a point in time where you were mine so that counts as something, right?

 

_Dear Harry,_

_I don’t honestly know why I’m writing you this but I don’t really know why I do half the things I do. I guess I just want to tell you that I still love you and I still think about you a lot even though I’m pretty sure you knew both these things already. The thing is it’s been a month since we broke up and in that span of time we’ve only talked once, I was drunk out of my mind and didn’t remember much of the conversation but that’s okay._

_I guess what I want to say is that five years ago I met a goofy looking business major who worked at a café and had memorized my order the first time I came in and I couldn’t help falling for you ya know? I think the first thing that killed me about you were your hands. They were big really big and every time you held mine I always felt kind of safe and every time you massaged my waist I wanted to melt into you._

_You could sculpt the world and then some with those hands of yours but at the same time they were a weapon of mass destruction. I was the mass. But before you ruined me you spent five years molding me, creating me, loving me and I guess even though it still burns to think about you and even though I want to call you up I’m okay? I mean I don’t really know yet but at least there was a point in time where you were mine so that counts as something, right?_

_You know the first time my dad met you he loved you? I’m telling you this because my dad doesn’t really like people especially the people Greg and I bring home. You should’ve seen the way he looked at my ex-boyfriend but I think I’ve told you that story before. And Greg’s girlfriends were grilled so hard._

_But dad loved you. Mom did too but mom’s a sweetheart and she loves everyone. Dad thought you were fantastic, you could talk game with him but at the same time talk business and he said you looked at me like my whole being was the reason he stuck around. I believed him at the time._

_You came from so much good things and you made me a good thing in return._

_I love you, Harry Styles. You were my first love and I called my mom the other day and she says that you won’t be my only but I don’t really know how. I don’t think I can fall in love with someone else but I think I’m going to try. Cuz I’m tired of being sad all the time when I know that you’re not._

_I love you, I miss you, and I do kind of need you but eventually I’ll be fine._

_Love, Niall._

Niall folded the letter in half, walked out the door, pulled out the letter and watched it burn before his eyes. Niall’s eyes stung with the intensity of wanting to cry but he didn’t, he just watched it disintegrate into nothing. It was progress.


	6. blind dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They joked and played footsie under the table and the waiter had to come back a second time because they’d been talking so much they forgot to look at their menus, it was all very cute and picturesque and Josh had pretty brown eyes and Niall was buzzing.

When Niall walked into his apartment tired from work and hungry because he’d left his debit card at home so he couldn’t go to that nice Thai place he liked, he was met with the sight of Zayn and Perrie sitting on the couch obviously waiting for him. Liam had picked up extra shifts at the office so he was rarely home that week and Niall’s eyes flittered from the kitchen then back to Zayn and Perrie… he was starving and not in the mood for conversation.

It’d been five weeks since the break up and well things were going, Niall was working again and sleeping soundly and trying to get into the groove of being single. He’d changed all his statuses on every social media account he had, no more taken by a Mr. Harry Styles for him. He was single Niall now, fun Niall or so he tried to be.

“Hello how was work?” Perrie said overly formal.

“What do you guys want?” Niall asked immediately walking towards the kitchen.

“What makes you think we want something?” Zayn asked. Niall could hear their footsteps following him and when he turned around with last night’s chicken pot pie in his hands he was met with their best puppy dog faces. Oh they wanted something alright.

“Spit it out, guys.”

“You look lovely today.” Zayn said.

“Yeah that shirt sure does compliment your eyes. Have you done something different with your hair?” Perrie asked, taking Zayn’s original comment and running with it. Niall glared at them.

“First off I’ve worn this outfit for the past three years I’ve been working at the company nothing different about it, second off I look like shit, and third what do you guys want?”

Zayn and Perrie exchanged looks. Niall sighed. The two seemed to be having a silent conversation with their eyes and eyebrows and then finally Zayn turned and gave him a placating smile which did everything but placate him. “Do you know my friend Josh?”

Niall ruffled his eyebrows. The name sounded familiar but he couldn’t place a face to it so he just kind of shrugged. “Not really.”

“Well, I showed him your picture the other day and he thought you were very cute-,”

“Why were you showing this Josh character my picture?” Niall interrupted walking over to the microwave and heating up the pot pie. He already didn’t like where the conversation was going but he was great at giving people the benefit of the doubt.

“I was just talking about you being single-,”

“Why were you talking about me?”

“Because I love you?”

Niall made a buzzing noise with his mouth, “wrong answer, try again.”

“Cool it, Alex Trebek.” Perrie said with a small grin and patting his arm as if to calm him down. “Zayn actually has something important to say. Shocking, I know.”

Zayn rolled his eyes at her but continued, “Why I was showing him your picture is beside the point, the point is we think you guys should go on a date.”

“Absolutely not.” Niall snapped abruptly turning and grabbing the pot pie a bit violently out of the microwave.

“Why not?” Perrie practically whined blocking him from leaving the kitchen. Zayn joined her.

“I’m not ready.” He said biting his lip, trying his hardest not to think about Harry but usually when he tried to not think about Harry he ended up thinking about him more. Why were his friends doing this to him? How could they think that he could even try and be interested in someone else right now?

“Niall, we aren’t telling you to marry him. He’s nice and you guys have lots of common and he’s so cute. Niall, please.” Zayn was staring at him with that look in his eye, the one that usually had Liam melting but Niall wasn’t Liam.

“Why are you guys so into my love life? Why don’t you guys fuck off?”

“Niall,” Perrie snapped, “we love you okay? We love you a lot and lately it’s looked like you’re making progress, you aren’t moping all the time and shit and you’re actually smiling like a real person again. One fucking date with the kid isn’t going to kill you, alright? You can always leave early but for the love of Christ just try it out.”

Nobody said anything for a good minute after that. Zayn and Perrie were staring him down as nice as they could but he knew they were impatient. He didn’t really want to go on a date but Perrie was right it wasn’t going to kill him and he was making progress, what was a date going to do to him? He knew damn well he wasn’t going to fall in love with the guy that was a sure thing but he could have fun couldn’t he? He could be a functioning human being and he could smile and laugh and well.

“I want to see a picture.” Niall said.

“Kinda defeats the purpose of the blind date.” Zayn said but was smiling anyway.

“It’s only fair.” Niall mused watching Zayn pull out his phone and tap on some things. Finally he got to the account he wanted and turned his phone so that Niall could see. The boy was very cute, short brown hair, short, nice eyes, pretty smile, the works. He even had a tattoo. Harry had tattoos too but Josh and Harry didn’t resemble each other one bit which was good… safe.

“So?” Perrie asked. Niall shrugged,

“Fine, I’ll go.”

Twin smiles broke across their faces.

\--

“He loves French food and Chez Amelie is great I heard, newest French place in town. Heard it’s expensive too so he totally wants to woo you.” Perrie said running a hand through Niall’s hair trying to make it look presentable. It was the night of his date and he was nervous. He hadn’t been on a first date in five years and he was a bit rusty on how to go out and meet people and smile.

“He doesn’t even know me. I could be a jackass.”

“But you’re not so things work out. Okay lemme give you some pointers.” Perrie said while backing up and looking him up and down. He was in a nice button up shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. He felt like he was going to fucking church but Perrie said he looked great. Whatever. “Don’t mention Harry unless he asks about your ex but don’t go into detail with it, you guys aren’t together anymore the works. Talk about drumming, you both love drumming. Touch his tattoo gives you perfect leeway to feel his arms which are so fucking great by the way.”

“Why don’t you date him then, Pez?”

“Not my type.” Perrie said coolly and Niall chuckled. “But other than that everything is good. Be funny, be nice. You’ll love him.”

\--

Zayn and Perrie said that Josh would be waiting for him outside of Chez Amelie because he’d already made reservations for two and they needed to go in together or whatever. Niall did a quick breath check at the Chez Amelie parking lot, booger checked himself, and fly checked himself. He needed to at least look mildly presentable.

He stepped out of the car and spotted Josh almost immediately. He was standing in front of the restaurant, fingers drumming on his pant legs, he was about Niall’s height which was… different considering Niall had to look up sometimes when he was with Harry. He shook Harry out of his mind, he couldn’t think of him right now.

He took a couple more steps and then Josh finally spotted him. Niall saw him smile so he smiled too. He wanted to bolt; he wasn’t ready for a date no matter how cute Josh was. But he’d gotten this far and he couldn’t be rude so he walked a bit closer and Josh did too meeting him halfway.

“Hi.” Josh said sort of breathlessly.

“Hello.” Niall replied looking from his shoes to Josh’s eyes. Awkward awkward abort mission, the voice in his head screamed.

“May I hug you or is it too soon?”

“You may.” Niall said it was just a hug. It ended as quickly as it started, Josh smelled nice though different from Harry but still nice and he opened the door of the restaurant for Niall. Niall blushed; he was on an actual date with someone who wasn’t Harry. What the hell was his life?

“Do you have reservations?” The hostess, a pretty brunette girl asked and Josh nodded,

“Yes, Devine.”

She looked up the name and nodded, “Right this way.” And they followed her. The place had a nice ambience and the lights were a bit dimmed but it was perfect. They got a table in plain view of everything, Niall could see the door and out the windows and the beautiful tables set up outside. The place was gorgeous… and fancy. How did Zayn know this kid again?

She handed them their menus and before they could start talking a waiter was there filling their glasses up with water. “Thanks.” They both said at the same time and the waiter smiled, turned, and then walked away.

“You look nice.” Were the first words out of Josh’s mouth. Niall chuckled and blushed a little, he sipped his water.

“Thank Perrie for that one; I’m horrible at dressing myself.” Josh smiled at him when he said that and then he quickly rushed out, “you look nice too. Like I’m not saying it because you said it like-,”

“I get it, Niall its okay.”

Niall squeezed his eyes shut and cringed. God he was horrible at this stuff. “So uhm I heard you’re a drummer.”

“Kind of. I mean I have an actual job but I also have this band, we aren’t great but we try and we just kind of jam out sometimes. Nothing too major but yeah I love it, drumming is my thing. You like the drums?”

“Yeah, I love it. When I was in high school I had this garage band we called ourselves Dust, it was all very dramatic. I like the guitar also; I just love music in general you know?” Okay he was doing good, deep breaths he reminded himself. Nothing too traumatizing had happened yet.

“Yeah I know. First concert I ever went to was uhm Kings of Leon I think; I was fifteen years old I think. I was with my first boyfriend ever and I had on eyeliner,” Niall snorted at that the image of Josh in eyeliner in his mind, it was all very cute, “and Caleb Followill began singing Seventeen and I was just so mesmerized. The man is a genius… not too bad on the eyes either.”

“I’m guessing you like them scruffy.” Niall said laughing a little and Josh snorted in amusement,

“Of course but I can always make exceptions.”

Niall then told Josh about his first concert experience, it was Maroon Five and he’d been in love with Adam Levine since he’d heard She Will Be Loved and he still had the band shirt he’d bought at seventeen somewhere in his closet because he loved it so much. He’d went with his best friend at the time and his older brother and it was probably one of the best nights of his life.

They joked and played footsie under the table and the waiter had to come back a second time because they’d been talking so much they forgot to look at their menus, it was all very cute and picturesque and Josh had pretty brown eyes and Niall was buzzing.

It was when Niall was digging into his escargots that Harry Styles stepped in with a tall supermodel-like blonde girl that Niall did not recognize on his arm. Niall stopped eating blood running icy cold and all the color draining from his face. Josh noticed and his eyes followed where Niall’s was, Harry turned all of a sudden and their eyes met and before Niall could talk himself out of it, he turned, wrapped his hand around Josh’s neck and kissed him.

Josh was shocked for about two seconds but then realized what was happening and kissed back, his lips were soft but Niall couldn’t think of that he was just trying to figure out how long he’d have to kiss Josh for before Harry was escorted to a table. They kissed for a few more seconds until they were running out of breath and Niall pulled away. Harry and the tall blonde girl were gone. Niall collapsed into his seat. Josh said nothing.

Some people were looking and some were trying not to. Both of them were blushing.

“I’m sorry.” Niall finally said feeling like shit.

“It’s fine.”

“This isn’t a habit of mine, you know.”

“What isn’t?”

“Kissing my dates out of nowhere.”

“Are you trying to tell me this had nothing to do with your ex being there?” Josh asked but he didn’t look angry just curious. Niall blushed.

“I’m sorry. The breakup happened about a month or so ago and I didn’t expect to see him. I panicked?” Niall ran a hand across his flushed face. He was proper embarrassed, he overreacted and Josh probably felt used and just god why did Harry even have to be there and ruin such a good thing? Niall didn’t even know where he’d been seated and that made him all the more anxious, he wondered if Harry could see him. Harry probably saw right through the kiss but what was Niall to do?

“It’s alright I’m not blaming you. If I saw my ex right now I’d probably pass out, he was an asshole.”

“Aren’t they all?” Niall said and Josh laughed resting his hand atop of Niall’s.

“They are but look at us, we’re on a date. Lovely isn’t it?”

“It is.” Niall said and he wasn’t even kidding.

\--

The date was nice, after the kissing mishap that Niall was sure he’d never live down they started up a conversation about well anything that wasn’t exes. It was nice and Niall couldn’t see Josh as boyfriend material at the moment but honestly he couldn’t see anybody that wasn’t Harry as boyfriend material.

Josh walked him to his car and they exchanged numbers and Josh kissed him on the cheek and Niall had the sudden urge to laugh but he didn’t because it was sweet and Josh was sweet and when he got into his car he was happy he’d gone. He’d made it. It hadn’t killed him. And maybe three years from now he’d laugh at being so miserable for one boy, maybe. Hopefully.


	7. Go back home for a week, find solace in your mother, your father, and your friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when he threw up all over himself in his front yard he didn’t care. He was happy even if for a moment and if he could snapshot this moment and hold it he would, he’d do it but he was properly out of it so all he could do was pass out. But he felt good and all for once was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i modified the list and changed #7 so here it is!

A week after the date and six weeks after the breakup Niall decides he wants to go home. Not permanently or anything but maybe a week or two to shed off this London skin he had and reintroduce himself to Mullingar and his mother and his father and how he always felt safe and comfortable and happy, cocooned in his bed that he’s had since childhood. Niall still felt tense half the time in London like he’d run into Harry any minute and have a nervous breakdown or kiss the nearest person and he needed to get away from that, needed to go somewhere that was _his_ place not Harry’s.

So he hopped into his car one night and made the eight and a half hour ride to his home into himself. When he pulled up to his driveway the house looked quiet and he was pretty sure the occupants who consisted of his mother only were asleep inside not having expected him. Liam, Zayn, and Perrie hadn’t even known he’d left but he had left a letter telling them to be back soon and not to worry. Niall desperately needed this.

So he grabbed his one duffel full of stuff he’d just shoved in there half asleep and trotted up to his doorstep. He knocked on the door twice loudly so his mother would hear and when a couple seconds passed and nobody seemed to be coming to the door he rang the doorbell a couple of times. He felt out of his mind and he hadn’t a clue as to why. He felt sad but for all the wrong reasons and his skin felt like it wasn’t his and when his mother finally opened the door looking annoyed as hell it just felt right again.

Oh god he’d never been this homesick before and he didn’t even realize he was crying till his mother pulled him into her arms and said, “Oh, my darling are you alright?”

“I don’t know.” Niall muttered into her shoulder feeling embarrassed but happy all at the same time, god what the hell was wrong with him? What realm had he stepped in where this was his life, Niall never cried he wasn’t a crier that wasn’t his thing.

“Okay, hon get your bag and come in. I’ll make you a cuppa how does that sound?”

“Lovely.” Niall said and Maura grinned.

\--

Niall’s childhood home had changed a bit over the years but ultimately it was the same, the little pencil nicks where he and Greg had marked their heights on the wall were still there, the hole from where Greg had punched the wall was still very much there, the colors were the same, and of course the family pictures and both he and Greg’s high school graduation pictures were displayed proudly.

And his childhood bedroom still had the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling even though they were fading and the posters of Iron Maiden and The Eagles he’d never taken down and some of his soccer gear. He sat at the edge of his bed and twiddled his thumbs then he pulled out his phone. Dead. He’d charge it later.

Downstairs his mother was puttering around making the tea and when he rapped his knuckles on the counter to announce himself she startled,

“Sorry.” He said taking a seat and she shook her head,

“No you’re fine. I’m just so used to being here alone and now you’re here.”

“Want me to go?” Niall joked and Maura rolled her eyes,

“Nope, I wanna hear why my youngest son who I know lives in London and has been living there for hmm about five years now has suddenly decided to make an impromptu visit. From the state of your bag it doesn’t seem like you’re staying so what’s up?” She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him raising a blonde eyebrow. She was using the look that she usually used on him when he did something bad and he tried to weasel his way out of it, that look was basically ‘don’t even think about it’ and he didn’t. Think about it he means. He took a deep breath and shrugged,

“I needed to get out of there, ma. I felt so,” Niall made a hand movement that he couldn’t even describe if he was asked but his mom had this look on her face like she understood and she probably did. She was one of the few people who knew him more than he did himself and he wouldn’t even bother thinking who the other was.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked turning to the tea kettle and pouring tea into their mugs.

“Yes and no.” He finally said after thinking about it. She turned and handed him his tea then she went around the island and sat on the table next to him.

“Explain.” She ordered.

“I miss him, ma like a lot like sometimes I feel like I’ll never stop missing him you know? Sometimes Zayn, Liam, or Perrie will say something ridiculous and I want to call him and laugh about it but then I realize oh or sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep because it’s hard to sleep without him and I want to call him to tell him to come over but he can’t and he won’t because he isn’t mine anymore and I don’t have that right.” Niall wiped his eyes quickly and chuckled, “gosh, I’m such a mess.”

“Breakups aren’t pretty.” His mom said softly rubbing his back.

“I don’t like that word you know… break up it just feels so high school and what Harry and I had, it was more than that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anybody else like that again. He’s my first love, ma.”

“Not your last.” She added looking at him sternly but he couldn’t be persuaded because Harry Styles was his goddamnit he was pretty sure his whole life was just a leading up point to when he met Harry, Harry was his reason and god he was ridiculous and co-dependent but he couldn’t help it. How was it expected of him to get over a five year relationship so quick? Why did everybody expect him to be strong? He was weak and he was so so tired.

“I don’t know.” Niall finally said after the silence stretched on, after his tea was finished.

“Shall I call your father? Your brother? Sean? The whole crew?”

“Ugh,” Niall groaned, “yes please.”

\--

Sean walked into the house without knocking, house key in between his fingers twirling it like he owned the place. Niall was in the living room watching a rerun of Fresh Prince and being lazy and responsibility free. It felt nice until Sean launched himself onto Niall. Niall groaned he was absolutely positively winded.

“Hey, chief what’s going on? Your mom calls me and I think she’s prankin’ me but Maura doesn’t prank people. Oh god, man you look good. How’re those fuckin’ Brits treating you? You look like a proper Englishman I hate it.” Sean was rambling but he was grinning all at the same time and Niall didn’t even think to answer it just wrapped his arms around his best friend and hugged him.

“I missed you.” Niall said meaning it to the fullest and Sean laughed.

“You said it, bro.”

\--

Darragh, his dad, and his brother all arrived at the same time. Niall knew he was not going to be watching any more Fresh Prince. His father kept asking him where Harry was because nobody had informed him of the breakup and Maura had the honors of leading him away from the crowd and explaining the whole thing. Amy came soon after and then Darragh shouted,

“Pints!” So pints it was.

Niall didn’t have time to be sad not around his friends, he got dressed and Amy pushed his door open in the middle of it,

“Your phone is staying here.”

“Oh. Why?”

“No drunken phone calls. Just friends.” And then she smiled and he smiled and everything felt okay even if for a little bit.

O’Malley’s was packed with childhood friends and he realized when his mom said the whole crew she meant the whole crew. Pints after pints were shoved into his hands and every few minutes someone he had known vaguely from high school or from the supermarket would pull him aside and go,

“We really missed you, man.” And he wasn’t even upset about that he was actually happy. He felt like he been doped up on morphine too much morphine to care about Harry or home or anything and that was good that was perfect because thinking about Harry was the worst possible thing he could do.

When he was proper smashed Sean and Amy got him into their car where he laid his head on Amy’s lap and she stroked her long manicured fingers through his hair. She was so Perrie but so not all at the same time. She was calmer and she didn’t talk as much but she and Niall had understood each other since they were kids, ten years old with bad haircuts and braces. He was glad for Amy and he was glad for Sean and he was glad for Ireland and glad for a family.

Even when he threw up all over himself in his front yard he didn’t care. He was happy even if for a moment and if he could snapshot this moment and hold it he would, he’d do it but he was properly out of it so all he could do was pass out. But he felt good and all for once was well.


	8. See him with his new one and feel like you're dying, stay in bed all day. Think about how good he used to feel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He kept thinking about how there were movies that Harry had taken away from him that bits and pieces of him were drifting around Harry and he wasn’t whole and he probably would never be and he was oh so fucking pathetic. He wanted to say he hated Harry and he wanted to say that he was doing better but he wasn’t, not even close.

The thing is, when Niall finally saw Harry again, he was actually happy. It was seven weeks after the breakup that was heard around the world and Niall he wasn’t over it but he was distracted, had just been to the gym and he had stopped by Starbucks for some coffee and he was pulling his wallet out and taking out a couple of coins when he heard loud laughter. Loud familiar laughter and he looked up and just like that he felt like his whole world was tumbling around him. The coins went flying and Harry and Cara fucking Cara with the long blonde hair and the model face turned and looked at him. Niall squeaked.

Nobody moved.

Niall was still staring at Harry with that deer caught in the headlights look, his eyes went from Harry’s perplexed face to Harry and Cara’s hands, fingers intertwined. Cara’s eyes were blue and so were his. He didn’t know why he was thinking about that. Niall wanted to throw up. He was horrified and he was so so fucking angry because was he that replaceable and it felt like whiplash and it felt like drowning and then Harry the fucking asshole let go of Cara’s hands, bent down slowly, and scooped up the coins Niall had dropped. Niall was still very much frozen like he had weights tied around his legs, keeping him from floating up and up and away.

All Niall could do was stare at the top of his head and then he stood up and put his hands out so Niall could take the coins. Niall couldn’t move.

“You guys are together?” Niall heard himself say, small and pathetic and so fucking sad.

“Niall-,” Cara said stepping forward with her arms outstretched and Niall backed up because god who the hell was she, did she really feel bad or maybe Niall was just collateral damage. Niall remembered when he and Harry were together, the way Cara used to look at him… was Harry looking back all this time? Was Niall that stupid to think Harry only belonged to him? He was so so upset and he knew god he knew if he didn’t get out of there soon he was going to burst into tears or he was going to punch Harry in the face. They were both very possible options especially in his emotional state.

“It’s not like that.” Harry finally said after the silence stretched on too long and all Niall could focus on was the blood rushing to his ears.

“I-I have to go.” He said already pushing past them very aware that his coffee wasn’t done but he didn’t care, he didn’t. He didn’t want to be around Harry and Cara and their happiness, Harry without Niall, Harry being a regular happy functioning person without Niall.

The first thing he did when he stepped out of the Starbucks was fumble for his phone in his pocket to call Zayn to pick him up because he didn’t trust himself behind a vehicle in his state not like this, not while knowing Harry was in there probably kissing Cara and loving Cara and needing her more than he ever needed Niall. He was going to be sick he was humiliated and he was embarrassed and their relationship kept running through his mind on an endless loop. What did he do wrong? What didn’t he give Harry that Cara did? Was it the gender thing?

“You alright?” Zayn asked when he pulled up to the Starbucks, eyebrows raised and confused.

“N-no.” Niall stuttered out. Harry and Cara were still in there probably all cuddled up in a booth or something.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I wanna go home. Please, Zayn I just wanna go home.”

“Tell me what happened. What happened?” And Zayn looked so convincing that Niall ended up blabbing about Harry and Cara and how his life currently felt like it was falling apart around him. Dramatic? Maybe. True? Completely. He pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’ll be right back.” He heard Zayn say and then his friend was gone disappearing into the Starbucks and Niall folded into himself, trying to breathe trying to think. He was so fucking in love with a boy who would probably never want him again and the worst apart about the whole situation was that Harry could ask to get back together right then and there and like nothing ever happened Niall would say yes. A couple of minutes went by with Niall half standing there reminding himself to breathe in and out when Zayn came back he wrapped his hand around Niall’s bicep.

“Get in the car.” He said softly and Niall did as he was told.

The car ride home was silent and thick with all the words that Niall wanted to say but couldn’t.

“What’d you tell Harry?” Niall asked when Zayn found a parking space.

“I didn’t say anything to him. I went in there and I saw them and I just couldn’t because a person who can get over someone they’d been with for five years someone they claimed that they were in love with it was just not someone I could waste my breath on. You deserve better.”

“I love him.” Niall said looking down at his hands.

“I know and nobody told you not to love him. He’s the one at fault here, Niall not you.”

“Maybe he isn’t at fault either.”

“Or maybe you need to stop making excuses for this boy.” Zayn snapped and Niall shut up immediately, looking at his best friend. Zayn sighed all frustrated like and ran a hand through his hair, “I have watched you kill yourself over and over again for this boy… for what? I get that it’s five years of your life that you most definitely will never get back but Niall he’s in the past now and I know he will always be yours always because you can’t just have five years for someone and it means nothing but god I just cannot believe how much you have let this get to you. The thing about breakups is that you always get to keep yourself.” Niall couldn’t bear to look up at Zayn could feel his heart cracking inside of him and he knew where Zayn was coming from he understood but Zayn had Liam and Zayn and Liam were probably going to get married and Niall had nothing but this bile in his throat and this horrible terrible no good taste in his mouth reminding him that him and Harry were no more and there was a good chance they would never be.

And god it was killing him, felt like his body was uprooting itself from the Earth piece by piece and root by root. It wasn’t his fault that he’d fucked around and fallen in love, he was stupid and he had actually believed in forever like he was in a proper home movie. But here he was wrecked and crying in the middle of the afternoon sobbing his eyes out with one of his best friends’ right next to him.

“You want me to go up with you?” Zayn finally asked when it was obvious Niall couldn’t talk through his shaky breaths. Niall shook his head, didn’t want anyone around to see his breakdown wanted just himself and his bed and his sheets. He didn’t even think he could bear watching shitty movies on Netflix.

“I’ll be seeing you.” He managed to say before he was all but stumbling out of the car and almost running up the stairs on shaky legs. He slammed the door behind him and was glad for an empty flat because soon he was cocooned under his sheets sobbing his eyes. Thinking about Harry’s lips, Harry’s arms around him, how Harry smelled and just everything.

He kept thinking about how there were movies that Harry had taken away from him that bits and pieces of him were drifting around Harry and he wasn’t whole and he probably would never be and he was oh so fucking pathetic. He wanted to say he hated Harry and he wanted to say that he was doing better but he wasn’t, not even close.

He was very very lonely and very very sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know you guys might be tired of niall moping for harry over and over again but they were together 5 years and it's barely been 2 months since the breakup and you know i've never been in a long term relationship but i'm assuming one doesn't just get over someone that easy


	9. Invite him out for coffee. Kiss him on the cheek when it's over; try not to look like you're dying.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The breakup was your doing. So you don’t get to act like you were so heartbroken about it… you redecorated because you didn’t want any trace of me left because I was the past and I meant nothing to you anymore. That’s why you redecorated not because of this bullshit excuse you’re trying to feed me.”

Perrie got word of Niall and Harry’s fateful meeting at Starbucks and before Niall knew it, she was curling up next to him on his bed with takeout from that yummy Thai place up the street. Harry never liked Thai food one of the few things he didn’t like Niall included in that list now.

“Hey hey why do you look like such a sad sack?” Perrie said softly patting his hair so that it wasn’t sticking up in unmanageable tufts. He felt like he’d reverted back to the first week of the breakup where he walked around like a zombie and he was all red rimmed eyes and feeling like death.

“Perrie, I don’t feel like talking.” He grumbled digging his face into his pillow. His stomach hurt because he was hungry but he didn’t want to eat and his head hurt because he’d been crying too much but he didn’t want any pain killers. He just wanted Harry to cuddle him and apologize for making him feel like this but maybe it was too much to ask for. Maybe the only good thing he’d ever had in his life was Harry and now he’d gone and wasted it. He was standing on train tracks and the train kept coming over and over again knocking the breath out of him.

“Then listen to me yeah?” She asked softly but he didn’t nod nor shake his head. He just wanted to sleep. “You’re sad which is totally understandable but have you ever thought about why you’re so sad? You’re sad because you’re allowing yourself to be and I know you’ve heard me say this before but I think that… I think you and Harry need to talk. I think you need closure.”

Even the thought of talking to Harry made his heart feel like it was being split down the middle. How could he talk to Harry without bringing up their history without bringing up all that they’d had together? Perrie didn’t understand she was eternally single and beautiful and carefree. She was smarter than him understood self-preservation and how to not get attached to people.

“Niall,” she said softly, “you love him yes?”

“I do.” He said soft.

“Then talk to him. It sounds ridiculous but you need to know where you guys stand and honestly Harry may deny this or whatever but you probably know him better than most people and this is going to help you. You two were not some fling… you guys felt a bit like forever and honestly I don’t know what happened. But you two should talk. Get me?”

“No.” Niall muttered even though he did.

“Darling, get up. Liam told me you’ve been curled up all day. You need to eat and shower and look presentable because you actually have a job and kind of a life and Harry he’s your boy yes but have a little self-preservation yeah?” Perrie had the bluest eyes and the most sincere face so Niall did what he was told, got up and hopped into the shower and tried not to cry too much and then he ate. And he still felt sick but at least he could feel sick on a full stomach.

\--

A week passed.

Niall went to work; he played the role of a happy functioning human being. But he was not and he kept thinking about what Perrie said and about talking to Harry and sometimes he’d pick up his phone and he’d make to call Harry but he always ended up just shoving his phone in his pocket and going back to whatever he was doing.

He ended up calling Harry two weeks later though hands shaking and heart quivering. Harry picked up on the second ring and Niall’s traitor heart swooped.

“’Lo?” Harry’s voice was rough and gravely meaning he just woke up from a nap. Niall glanced at the clock, it was twelve in the afternoon and Harry was not a late sleeper. “Hello?” Harry said again clearer this time after Niall remained silent. Niall cleared his throat,

“Hi.” He squeaked and then wanted to punch himself in the face like what the hell was his problem? Hi? Really? Fucking hi.

“Niall?” Harry asked and Niall thought: oh joy he actually remembers my phone voice.

“Yeah it’s me I uh… I wanted to invite you out. To get some coffee with me.”

“At Lola’s?” Harry asked. Lola’s was their favorite coffee place after Starbucks, it was tiny as hell but the coffee was amazing. Niall didn’t want to meet Harry at Lola’s it would bring back way too many memories that he did not care to bring up. Even hearing his voice was bringing back memories, it made Niall sick to his stomach but he had to be strong or at least act it.

“Nah I was thinking Café Au Lait.”

“Uh,” he heard some rustling on Harry’s end and then, “yeah okay. When were you thinking?”

“Meet me there in twenty minutes?” Niall asked barreling through the conversation or at least trying to. He hadn’t spoken to Harry like a normal human being in so long and it seemed like all their conversations from the first time that they met to the last time they spoke was just replaying in his head like a sadistic song.

“Sure sounds good. Bye, Niall.” Harry said it so soft Niall wanted to slam his head through the wall. But all he said was,

“Yeah.” And then he hung up. He stared at the phone for ten minutes.

\--

Harry was sitting in a booth by the window, coffee in front of him and another one across from him. Niall supposed that one was for him. Harry really shouldn’t have ordered for him he could order for his fucking self. But then Niall sighed because he couldn’t be petty not now at least. He had to be grown, he had to act like he didn’t want to punch and kiss Harry all the same. He took a deep breath then stepped through the door. Harry looked up immediately and smiled at him with his handsome face and his pretty pretty eyes breaking Niall’s heart.

Niall walked towards Harry who was already on his feet.

“How’re you?” Harry asked and before Niall could react he was being enveloped in a hug that smelled of green apples and cinnamon and he hugged Harry back stiffly with his hands balled into a tight fist on Harry’s back. They probably looked a sight, Harry lax and shining and Niall stiff and breaking. When Harry pulled away Niall didn’t look him in the eye as he walked over to his side of the table and slid into his seat.

He pointed at the coffee cup, “what’s this?”

“Vanilla mocha with a dash of cinnamon. You still drink that right?” Not anymore he didn’t.

“Sure.” Niall drawled subtly pushing it away from him. Sitting there in that booth he suddenly forgot why he’d even called Harry. What did he think this would achieve? He didn’t want closure. He didn’t give a damn about closure all he wanted was Harry back because at the end of the day his closure was: Harry didn’t want him anymore and life went on.

“So Niall how have you been?” Harry asked blinking at him. His eyes were really big and it was strange Niall thought to himself.

“I’ve been fine.” He said. “You?”

Harry smiled softly, “Yeah me too. I uhm redecorated the apartment.” He said and Niall quirked an eyebrow,

“Yeah?” Harry nodded, “why’s that?”

Harry blinked at him then blushed the smile slipping off of his face slowly. He coughed, looked down at his coffee, shuffled his feet, and then finally looked back up at Niall. “You were everywhere and it was breaking my heart you know. I’m sure you agree.”

“No,” Niall said quickly, “I don’t.”

Harry sighed loudly seeming to deflate, “Niall,” he started but Niall didn’t want to hear it not at all.

“The breakup was your doing. So you don’t get to act like you were so heartbroken about it… you redecorated because you didn’t want any trace of me left because I was the past and I meant nothing to you anymore. That’s why you redecorated not because of this bullshit excuse you’re trying to feed me.” Niall blinked back hot harsh tears and looked out the window, at the cars whizzing by, at the people not having a coffee date with their exes.

“I’m sorry.” Harry finally said and Niall scoffed,

“You’re a miracle worker. I’m happy again.”

“I didn’t mean to-,”

“You didn’t mean to what?”

“Hurt you, Niall.” Harry said reaching over and resting his large hands on top of Niall’s smaller one, “That was never my intention. Hurting you was never the goal.”

“What was it? Because when you were ripping my heart out with your teeth all those months ago I couldn’t comprehend it.” Niall’s angry so so angry and Harry’s still so beautiful. He’d thought maybe this would just show him the bad side of Harry and Niall would laugh and think: why was I dying over him but he’s still dying and he still wants him back and it’s so heartbreaking really.

“We’d gotten into the relationship so young,” Harry began, “and you know we fell in love -and yes, Niall I still do love you I know you may think I don’t but I do- and anyways I just realized you know there were so many things that I didn’t do in college and so many things I couldn’t do and I just… I couldn’t do the relationship anymore. We were existing on different spectrums you know? You wanted marriage and the big house and the kids and the dog and the picket fence but I didn’t want that… I still don’t and I’m twenty five and I feel like my whole life was just… wasted. So I’m sorry but there it is.” By the end of Harry’s speech he was slouched on his chair rubbing his temple like it was hurting him so bad to say it. Niall though sitting there across from Harry felt sick to his stomach because there it was. There was his closure and it was worse than he’d imagined. He was a waste of time. He had held Harry back… Harry’d never even thought about marrying him or forever or any of that. Niall pressed the heel of his hand to his eye but then he choked out a sob one that he wasn’t even prepared for. Everything hurt.

“Niall,” Harry said softly but then nothing else. Neither of them moved. Niall had his face buried in his hands trying to get a grip but it was hard.

“So we’re done.” Niall finally said looking up at Harry even with his vision blurry. Harry stared back at him and then finally nodded slowly but it was a nod,

“Yeah, Niall. We’re done.”

“And Cara?” Niall couldn’t help himself he had to.

“Cara and I are not together. We’re just… we’re good friends but I don’t think I want another relationship not for a long time.”

Niall nodded, “Feeling’s mutual on that one.”

“But it was good you know… what we had.”

“It was.” Niall croaked.

“And you’re still the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen.” Harry said with a small laugh. Maybe it was meant to be reassuring but it wasn’t. Niall felt like dying. Harry was the most beautiful _person_ he’d ever seen ever. Neither of them spoke for a long time. Harry drank his coffee. Niall’s went cold. The people outside went on with their lives.

“Okay,” Niall finally said causing Harry to tear his eyes from the street outside and look at him. “This was… an experience.” He settled on, standing up and pulling out a few bills and tossing them on the table.

“I uhm… do you think we can still be friends?” Harry asked eyes a bit hopeful.

“No,” Niall said shaking his head, “I don’t. See you around maybe, Harry.” He said bending down and pressing a soft kiss to Harry’s soft doughy cheeks, smiling at Harry, and calmly leaving the café.

He didn’t break down in his car and he didn’t break down when he finally got home and toed off his shoes. He’d had enough of breaking down.


	10. Call that guy you went on a date with. Go on a second one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to take you out,” Niall blurted. Smooth he thought cringing to himself but all Josh did was laugh softly. It was such a nice laugh.

Three months passed since Niall and Harry’s meet up at the café. Niall went back to work full force burying himself in his job that his boss didn’t even give him shit anymore for having missed so much days before, he went out with his friends on the weekends, and he even third wheeled Liam and Zayn every now and then without feeling like he was going to die. Things were going good for him. There were no more spontaneous break downs and when he heard Harry’s favorite song on the radio he’d just calmly turn it off. And okay he read a lot of Cosmo articles on breakups and okay he made a blog but they helped so nobody had a right to judge him.

It was when he was going through the contacts on his phone one day that he stumbled across Josh’s name. He stared at it for a few minutes trying to figure out who Josh was when it clicked in his head and just like that he pressed the call button. It just felt right you know and from his memory Josh was cute and incredibly nice with nice arms and a love for the drums.

“Hey.” Josh answered and Niall smiled felt himself blush,

“Hi. Josh right?”

“Yup. Niall right?” Josh asked with a small laugh.

“The one and only. You still have my number on your phone?” Niall asked chuckling and Josh snorted good naturedly,

“You still have mine… and I was wondering if I’d even ever hear from you again. Felt like you dropped off the face of the earth.”

“Sorry about that. Exes and shit you know?”

“I do know. So what’s up?”

“I want to take you out,” Niall blurted. Smooth he thought cringing to himself but all Josh did was laugh softly. It was such a nice laugh.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… I didn’t realize it when I called but I want to take you out so much. I want to make up for ignoring you for like a year.”

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration,” Josh mused, “but that sounds promising. When?”

“Right now. Give me your address.”

“W-what?” Josh stuttered out while laughing. Niall though was already on his feet slipping on some shoes.

“Text me your address. I’m gonna pick you up.”

“What’re we gonna do?”

“We’ll figure out.”

Josh laughed, “how about if I wasn’t home?”

“Good thing that’s not the case. C’mon I wanna see you.”

“You’re cute, Niall Horan… and I wanna see you too.”

“Oh thank god.”

Josh laughed and Niall felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're at the end of the road!!!
> 
> and hey i made a playlist for this story so if you're into that stuff click [HERE](http://8tracks.com/letmemake_amess/i-am-no-stranger-to-love-and-i-am-not-waiting-for-you-or-the-one-about-heartbreak) and hopefully you like it (i spent like 5 hours on it because I have no life). 
> 
> Thank you guys for reading this and not giving up on me even when I wanted to give up on me, there is a special place in Heaven for all of you! Mwah sweeties thanks a million.


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